i know where you go to, my lovely, when you're alone in your bed

[Private to Self]

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 23:50:05 GMT

.... I love her. I've always loved her. I don't know what happened to make me try to run off with... him. Touga. My God, I don't even want to think about it. I'm just... glad Kozue told me what was going on before we actually tried to run away together.

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 01:51:26 GMT

I'm running away tonight with Touga.

Don't look for me, Kozue. Utena. Or anyone.

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 21:18:39 GMT

I have no idea what's going on with my friendslist but I'll send some ~~orange~~ blue roses to the funeral.

... Awhile ago Oguna came over again and we watched Gladiator. A couple of the girls from the fencing team had gotten me chocolates for Valentine's Day and we ate those while we watched. It was nice.

I didn't bother asking Juri out for Valentine's Day.

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 01:19:34 GMT

Oguna and I watched Kill Bill a couple days ago. I think he really enjoyed it.

I... don't agree with this video from my fandom, but oh, well. At least Juri looks as lovely as always in it, at any rate.

We have new people again. ;) I'm Tsuchiya Ruka, old captain of the fencing club at Ohtori. It looks like most of you newcomers... play tennis.

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 01:32:18 GMT

It doesn't feel finished, but "Half of Paradise"

He takes her out, in his mind’s eye, like a doll from an armoire, meant to look at, to carefully comb the long red hair and smooth the pinafore, before returning it to the cabinet. He takes her out to restaurants, expensive ones with a maitre d’hôtel and fresh roses in vases on the table.

He takes her out to concerts, too, and during intermissions they stay in their seats as everyone else leaves to get mundane concessions: overpriced boxes of nuts and plastic cups of wine. She’s regal as ever, cool in her evening gown. They talk about the music, about the composer—who is either Beethoven or Debussy, depending on his mood.

He takes her out, but in the end he always wakes up to a new IV stuck in his arm and another in a series of nurses checking his vital signs.

--
Ruka isn’t sure how long it’s been since he was put in the hospital. For all he knows it’s been a week. For all he knows it’s been two years. His hospital window always has the blinds drawn so he can’t tell if the seasons are changing.

The nurses all look the same even though he knows that can’t—shouldn’t be.

And even when he asks, no one tells him the time.

(he has the dim feeling it’s not just the medications)

(it’s the duels, the duels that crippled him so, that flung him into this world where nothing ever happens)

(the bride standing there at the edge of the arena, perfectly empty smile wide on her dark face)

A nurse hands him a glass of orange juice and a straw, and he thanks her with all the faded courtesy of an ancient knight, never mind how badly his fingers shake.

--
He starts to nap more often as the days progress. He knows Juri would be upset by it, if she knew, if she remembered to think about him. Dimly he knows he should be upset by it, too, should realize that it’s only another sign that his condition is getting worse.

He wakes up from a dream about blue roses only to wake up to see a dozen of them in a huge glass vase upon his tiny bedside table.

“Someone sent them earlier this morning,” explains the nurse before he even has a chance to ask her as she gives him his pills, her face blank as a peeled potato.

He sits up in bed as best he can. Relatives send cards sometimes to break up the monotony, when they remember, but he never gets flowers.

“There’s a card, too,” the nurse continues, handing it to him, casual, almost uncaring. Ruka is no fencing captain anymore, no star pupil. He's not special. Ruka's only another patient to watch die.

“I—may I read it alone?” he manages under the blurred haze of painkillers, and as soon as the smiling nurse steps out he opens the envelope, cursing his shaking fingers.

It isn’t Juri. He knows that instinctively. The handwriting’s all wrong, too flowing, too maddeningly perfect—even for her. There’s only one sentence on the first page.
“Define a miracle, Ruka Tsuchiya.”

Ruka nearly chokes.

--

“You have a visitor.”

Touga saunters in, resplendent in his uniform, while Ruka in his hospital gown tries to finish off a cup of pudding.

“How are you feeling?” he asks, tone casual, smirk on his face. There’s only one chair in the room but Touga doesn’t sit in it, preferring instead to lean slightly against the nightstand, thankfully careful not to knock over the vase of flowers.

Ruka sets down the pudding before he answers, studies Touga’s face as well as he can under the effects of the medications, as though there’s something important he can discover, something he missed.

Nothing. Touga’s the same as always, the swaggering fake cavalier come, probably, to hover over his bedside like some hated demon, grinning over the hand of fate.
(it could be you in this bed, touga)

(could be you could be anyone at all)

“Like I’m dying,” Ruka replies, and tries to match the smile but comes up short.

“I’m sure it’ll pass.” Touga reaches over to touch one of the roses, half-wilted with the span of time (three days? a week? eternity?), and casually breaks off the stem. “The flowers are lovely.”

“Maybe there’s a gardener among my well-wishers,” he says smoothly, wanting nothing more than to smash the vase into Touga’s skull.

“I think you know better than that. Ends of the World—”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ruka says the lie far too quickly, and he sees Touga’s eyes flicker from the roses to the IV in his arm.

“Do you even know what they’re giving you?”

“Fluids,” Ruka tries to sound as convincing as possible, but there’s a slight break in his voice, “some painkillers—”

“It’s pure morphine, Ruka.” Touga breaks off another stem. Delicately he plucks off the petals, setting them in a neat pile next to Ruka’s nearly untouched meal tray, right in front of his face. “And I think you knew that just as well as you know about Ends of the World. Best estimates put you at another month. It’s a shame—”

“The only shame is what you’re doing to my roses,” he manages. “Get the hell out of here, Touga.”

“It’s a shame,” Touga continues lightly, “because last year, you had the Bride, didn’t you? Almost made it to Revolution?”

“Revolution won’t come,” Ruka snaps. “I know that now.”

“Not for you, it won’t.” Touga shakes his head. “But Ends of the World is offering you a curtain call.”

Ruka stares again, and then he laughs, too long and too hard. The laugh turns his breaths into wheezes, making his world spin slightly (roses spun didn’t they?), his world, the world he’s consigned to, not Touga, this world with its packets of pills and long syringes and death the grand finale. Touga belongs to tainted fantasies and castles full of rot, to short-skirted schoolgirls and empty duels.

“Save it for someone else. I’m finished, Touga.”

Victory. Ruka takes satisfaction in the look of annoyance, irritation full on Touga’s angular face, the way he shakes his head, rolls his eyes (pick another pawn, Touga, another dying waif in the hospital), the way he’s turned his back to walk out the door—
Except Touga turns around as though it was his intention all along.

“But Juri’s not.”

Ruka falters, and it must be visible because Touga’s smiling again, as though Touga could know all the bright dreams Ruka’s ever had of her, ethereal Juri, Juri of tournaments and finesse and grace. Like Touga sees his love and has the nerve to think it childish when it’s more than he’ll ever get out of any of the girls he’s fucked at school.

He makes an angry move for the vase to throw it at Touga, but can’t reach anything past his tray, lacks the strength to do more than put a spoon to his mouth in dazed attempts at forcing life into his body. Touga watches in mild amusement, arms folded against his chest, enjoying the spectacle.

“So define a miracle.”

When the nurses come back they find that Touga’s left a signet ring on the nightstand.

--

After that, time goes from being on pause to a desperate fast-forward. The faceless nurses all congratulate him on such a speedy recovery from what should have been fatal. He receives piles more roses, dark blue now, and a letter from the Academy that his single suite from last year is his again.

He finds himself expecting to somehow be stopped.

(like Faustus with the devil)

(but the blood doesn’t congeal, not when your signature’s the acceptance of a ring, and not when you’ve made the deal before)

When they wheel him out of the hospital for the last time, it’s only a formality. He climbs into the taxi on his own without the slightest stumble, makes pleasant conversation with the driver.
But his eyes are always on the road ahead, the school rising out of the hills.

(the phoenix rising out of the ashes)

(only to burn itself up all over again)

....

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 03:29:20 GMT

... Oguna... thank you for the... sex doll. It was... well. Er.

... At least it had orange hair.

... Anyway. I haven't greeted the newcomers. I apologize. Tsuchiya Ruka, ex-captain of the fencing team at Ohtori Academy. ;) I don't think there's really that much else to say about me.

School is going well and no one's put any more doctored songs in my locker. I wish things would go better with Juri, but... I-- I think this year is probably looking up, regardless. :) I'm glad for it.

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 07:19:12 GMT

Whoever it was that put this... doctored song in my locker (... I'm betting Touga but it might've been Saionji), I'm not particularly amused.

I feel you, ~~Johanna~~ JURIIIIIIIIIIII
I feel you.
I was half convinced I'd waken,
~~Satisfied enough to dream you.~~ Too much hospital meds had dreamed you.
Happily I was mistaken,
~~Johanna.~~ JURIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
I'll steal you, ~~Johanna.~~ JURIIIIIIIIIIII
I'll steal you.

I'll steal you, ~~Johanna,~~ JURIIIIIIIIIIIIII
I'll steal you.
Do they think that ~~walls~~ lesbianism could hide you?
Even now, I'm ~~at your window.~~ sleeping with Shori~
I am in the dark beside you,
Buried sweetly in your ~~yellow~~ orange hair!
I feel you, ~~Johanna,~~ JURIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
And one day I'll steal you!
Til I'm with you then,
I'm with you there,
Sweetly buried in your ~~yellow~~ orange hair!

I'm not Anthony. And Juri.... well.

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 03:53:15 GMT

Touga, my opinion of you and your harem hasn't changed.

Juri's actually going to eat lunch with me tomorrow.

Of course, it's more her being polite than anything, and Shiori eats lunch with her most days so she'll be sending me death glares the entire time (not that I really blame her), but still. Juri sort of scoffed when I mentioned that.

Oguna, I sent you a Christmas card.

New people, I'm Tsuchiya Ruka, ex-captain of the fencing team at Ohtori. ;) Nice to meet you. I'm going to try to be more active on Brawl from now on.

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 03:40:03 GMT

It's been a week and a half since I've posted. School's kept me pretty busy lately. My teachers say I shouldn't work myself too hard since I've just gotten back, but I'm trying to make up for lost time.

I've done as much fencing as I really can without straining myself. I told Juri not to bother stepping down from her position as captain again; there wouldn't be any point, and she deserves it. I'm not sure if I'll ever get back to quite the level of swordsman I was before I got sick, but only time and practice will tell. Either way, I can't say I mind helping the other fencers with their stances. ;)

It'll be Christmastime in less than a month. This one might be something to look forward to. :)

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 21:24:08 GMT

I saw this meme going around and felt like doing it myself, so here's

~~1. Don’t call for your surgeon, honey, even he says it’s too late/It’s not your lungs this time, it’s your heart that holds your fate.~~ --"For You," Bruce Springsteen (guessed by bananas_an)

2. If you’ve something to say/Don’t be too direct/’Cause I feel a little fragile/Don’t hit the nail on the head

3. Yeah, I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes/You’d know what a drag it is to see you.

4. There’s a hole in my head where the rain comes in/You took my body and played to win

5. And I dreamed your dream for you/But now your dream is real/How could you look at me as if I were just another one of your deals?

6. I don’t understand the world today/I don’t understand what she needed/I gave her everything, she threw it all away on nothing

7. The noise electric never stops/And all you need is what you got/And there’s a place for everyone

~~8. Elementary penguin singing Hare Krishna /Man you should’ve seen them kicking Edgar Allan Poe~~ --"I Am the Walrus," the Beatles (guessed by hex_you_up)

9. I’m not the kind of man who’d throw his hat into the ring/And go down without following through

~~10. Can’t you see that I am not afraid?/What was that promise that you made?/Why won’t you tell me what she said?~~ --"Touch Me," the Doors (guessed by hex_you_up)

11. I’m a winner/I’m a sinner/Do you want my autograph?

12. Your silver tongue has turned to clay/And your golden rule to rust

13. We’re both real sorry that it had to turn out this way/But there ain’t no point in talkin’ when there’s nobody listening so we just ran away

14. And every time I touch you, you just tremble inside/And I know how much you want me that you can’t hide

15. When you’re in black slacks with accentuating off-white pinstripes, whoa/Everything goes according to plan

16. I come looking for a job/But I get no offers/Just a come-on from the whores on 7th avenue

17. He makes you so angry/He makes you so sore/The wait may be worth it/But how can you wait anymore?

18. I know the thoughts that surround you/’Cause I can look inside your head

19. How do you know that you’re right/If you’re not nervous anymore?

~~20. Burn out the night/I can’t see no reason to put up a fight/I’m livin’ for givin’ the devil his due~~ --"Burning for You," Blue Oyster Cult (guessed by quietlydrawing)

21. Ain’t it funny how your new life didn’t change things/You’re still the same old girl you used to be

22. Now I lie here in this empty bed/And all I think about is you/And I wonder if you miss me now/And if your bed is empty too

23. Run in the shadows/Damn your love/Damn your lies

24. Father forgive me/I tried not to do it/Turned over a new leaf/Then tore right through it

25. I look in the mirror all the time/Wonderin’ what she don’t see in me/I’ve been funny, I’ve been cool with the lines/Ain’t that the way love’s supposed to be?

Sunday night didn't happen, by the way.

I started back at school today. It was great to be back. I don't think Juri looked nearly as much like she wanted to stab me as I figured she would be. I'm going to end up having to take a couple of remedial courses, probably, to make up for all the school I've missed, but that'll be all right. Especially if I can pick my own tutor. ;)

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 02:22:56 GMT

I may or mya not be a litle bit high on anastheshia. acutlaly i thnik I am the keys ar rely quiet sticke todya

but anywya the opration was a sucess :D i awanted to cal juri and tel her that i was coming bak to scool but the nursse sed i was stil to doped up to cal her. :( but i just KNO touga didnt tell her i was coming bak. Touga wanst me all to himself or something. eww. its not my falt i'm hotter then saionji.

juri juri juri juri &harst; &harts; &har;st!! I kno thta i was a bastrd before but i sware this time wil be difernet. i gave you a mircle rite? may be you'll give me one now thta i'll be bak i hop so. i hope so.

The nurses should take my computer away from me until after I'm not doped up.

Last night never happened.

Oguna.

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 23:27:24 GMT

I win.

I'll be back at Ohtori as soon as humanely possible.

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 15:20:27 GMT

...

This site scares the hell out of me.

I really would rather not be psychoanalyzed. Is this what fandom's all about? I must be a masochist.

The nurses are starting to wonder why I suddenly have absolutely nothing to talk about beyond the weather, Oguna.

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 23:36:29 GMT

Kozue, thanks for the Halloween present. ♥ And An-chan, I appreciated the cookies.

The roses I got are wilting and now they look sort of ridiculous. Do you think it shows too much of the hopeless romantic in me to try pressing them, even though I'm almost positive Juri didn't send them? Probably.

They upped a couple of the dosages of my medications, but it hasn't quite kicked in yet, so if I start typing weird or acting strange soon... well. Expect it. XD

But anyway, the main reason I wanted to post is this poll.

View Poll: #1078933

My answer's probably obvious, but I wanted to see what everyone else thought.

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 04:02:32 GMT

I snuck out of my room today, mostly just to see how far I could get. Unfortunately I was caught pretty quickly and the nurses actually ran and got a wheelchair to wheel me back in. When I told them they didn't have to be that concerned, they just smiled. I think I heard one of them whisper something about my "cavalier attitude" under her breath. And one of my aunts came to see me a little afterwards. She kept on with the "oh, poor Ruka" routine for the entire duration. And then saw the flowers and Juri's letter on the table and came to the obvious, incorrect conclusion.

"Oh, but you've got a sweetheart, haven't you?! That--that's something, right, dear?"

I didn't have the heart to lie since she seemed like she was about to start sobbing.

Oh, well.

Anyone else feel up to visiting me? ;) Kozue? Touga, even. Anyone. Obviously I'm not getting out of here anytime soon, and I've never been one to mind company. Rest assured I'll kick you out if you start with the "poor Ruka"'s, though.

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 00:02:10 GMT

I hope that whoever sent a dozen roses to my hospital room wasn't Akio. Was it anyone here?

Anyway, the nurses have been sweeter than normal to me lately to me because of it and sort of turned a blind eye to me using my laptop. Not so much of the "your condition, Ruka-san, you should rest and not stay up on that thing" stuff, as though I don't know. But in the meantime, I wrote a drabble.

Necromancy

It’s Shiori that’s leaning against him on the bed, her pale hands stroking his face, and the only way he can manage not to turn his head is to imagine Juri there instead. The illusion is nearly impossible, but Ruka, of course, believes in his miracles. Her top’s rumpled already and he can tell she wants him to start on the skirt, wants him to playfully struggle to unzip it before strewing all her clothes on the bed like weeds mistaken for rose petals.

“Am I boring you, Ruka?” Her voice sounds clinical instead of sensual, as though her caresses are only the precursor to stabbing him with a hypodermic needle. “Is something wrong?”

He wants to be trite in return—tell her nothing she couldn’t kiss better, maybe, but that would only encourage her to try.

“Everything,” he says instead, putting on his most casual smirk, “everything’s wrong when you’re not here with me, Shiori,” and though she knows better, she’s mollified, wrapping her arms around him, feeling to him for all the world like the grasp of a corpse.

--

I was going for realism.

And I found one for Touga, since knowing him, he probably feels left out because he didn't get to have sex with me in mine. I told you I was a good person at heart. ♥

I would've found one for you, too, Kozue, but I'm really not into twincest, no offense.

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 00:26:42 GMT

I got a letter from Juri today.

Which makes finding this fanfic... crap a little more bearable.

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 02:41:20 GMT

I keep ~~antagonizing~~ asking the nurses if Juri's sent me any letters. I haven't heard from her since I had to leave school again.

... She probably hates my guts. I can't exactly say I blame her.

Anyhow. I'm Tsuchiya Ruka, from the Utena fandom. I used to be captain of the fencing team at Ohtori Academy and an on-again off-again student council member. I'm seventeen, in my second year of high school.

The hospital's a far cry from the Academy, definitely, but I can't complain too much; the nurses are pretty cute, and they miss me when I'm not there. ;)

Okay, one question for everyone.

Do you believe in the power of miracles?